On Bucket Fillers and Class Dark Clouds

Noah was "bucket filler of the week" at his preschool last week. Another kid was crying because one of his friends had said they didn't want to come to his house for a sleep over. Noah's teacher was already talking to the child and comforting him, when Noah walked over and said: "Hey Mr. Brian, can I talk to him for a minute?" And so he did. Apparently he said something along the lines of "that's just how it is sometimes, sometimes our friends don't want to come over and play." And it worked. The other child felt better and stopped crying, and Noah got lots of praise for being a bucket filler. 

Bucket filling is "(s)aying or doing something kind. Giving someone a heartfelt smile. Using names with respect. Helping without being asked. Giving sincere compliments. Showing respect to others. There are hundreds of wonderful ways to fill buckets. The language of bucket filling has become synonymous with being kind and thoughtful. Your bucket will be filled when, at the close of each day, you reflect on the ways in which you have filled buckets." (see http://www.bucketfillers101.com/faqs.php) 

As Noah's teacher Mr. Brian told me about it at the end of the day when I picked him up, I of course had a proud mom moment. Especially considering that during last year's parent teacher conference, his teacher in the previous class mentioned that Noah was often too much in his own bubble to see how other kids may be feeling or may be impacted by his words or actions.

On the way home we talked about how his kindness had not only made the other child feel better, but also himself. That's the idea of bucket filling - by being kind and thoughtful, we not only fill other people's buckets (aka our mental and emotional selves), but also our own. 

And then I thought of this article I had shared on Facebook a few days earlier, quoting "Why should my daughter be taught, at 3, that she’s responsible for placating Max and his mood disorder? I’ve spent my life trying to be Class Sunshine — getting good grades because I wanted to please my teachers, eating the wrong meal when waiters bring it to me, apologizing to potted plants when I bump into them. Our society already teaches women to be “Class Sunshine.” If Amalia wants to be Class Dark Cloud, damn it, she is free to be Class Dark Cloud."

The New York Times article "How Not to Raise a Sunshine" discusses how at a preschool the author is touring, one of the kids' jobs of the day is being a "sunshine" - their job for the day is to be on the lookout for anyone who might be having a bad day and trying to find ways to make them feel better. And as proud as I was that Noah was called out to be the bucket filler, I completely agree with the author that kids, especially young girls, do not need to be taught that they're responsible for other people's happiness. 

Yes, I want my children to be kind and thoughtful, but I also want it to come from within, not because they've learned in preschool that their job is to be class sunshine or even because being a bucket filler is now an official term at their daycare, including a photo wall where they show pictures of the "bucket filler of the week" next to the picture of the "scientist of the week". 

A listener question on a recent episode of Slate's parenting podcast Mom and Dad are Fighting talked about this same conflict: How do you teach your kids empathy without teaching them that they should feel responsible for other people's happiness or becoming codependent? 

I've been thinking about this ever since Noah was called bucket filler of the week and I felt so proud of him. Again, I obviously don't want my kids to be hurtful to others or to have no regard for the emotions of others, but at the same time, I also don't want either of my kids (and especially Ava) some day to sit down quiet in school or a work meeting, because they're afraid that they might hurt someone else's feelings by speaking up and voicing their opinions. 

This has also made me think about our go-to strategy when one of the kids hurts another (we also picked this one up from daycare). Instead of making them apologize which just too easily turns into an annoyed, eye-rolling, I-don't-really-care kind of "sorry", we ask them to consider the other kid's emotions, talk about how they might feel, and what they can do to make it better (hug, kiss, say sorry). We've had plenty of opportunities to practice this at home recently, with Noah often getting (understandably) frustrated with Ava and not always finding ways of solving conflicts peacefully. Maybe that has had something to do with him offering help to his upset friend at daycare. 

I still think that this is the correct approach, since it's addressing the consequences of inappropriate actions, such as hitting and pushing, and I'm not teaching them that they should avoid conflict. Instead, I encourage them to find peaceful and creative ways of solving the problem. 

And yet, I'm wondering if we're putting too much emphasis on being "kind", the "good" kid, and on sharing for that matter, at the expense of raising strong boys and girls that won't stay quiet to be polite, who will speak up for what they believe is right, even if it offends others, who will question authority even if it means being seen as the trouble maker. How do I bring out that side it my children while raising them to be kind? 

We read, we discuss, I ask a lot of open ended questions, I let them win if they try to negotiate with me, I encourage them to not simply talk back, but to form an argument (yes, at this age), I encourage them to ask smart questions, etc. I also like to think that they have a good example in me. 

And yet, I need to remember, as the author of the above article put it, to "try to keep (their) inner fireball burning. And to let (them) shine when (they) want, where (they) want.