Raising an Independent Little Person

As I was researching different bed options for toddlers (more on that topic later), I stumbled across some comments and blogpost about Montessori. I was generally aware of the Montessori concept but didn’t really know how these ideas were applied on a day to day basis when raising a child. I found a lot of it resonated with me and I realized I was already doing some of these things intuitively. It’s really encouraging to me when I hear from other parents who do similar things and it gives me an opportunity to reflect on the little details in life that have such a big impact on how Noah grows up. Understanding why some of the things we already chose to do instinctively really helps me put an emphasis on those details and be more conscious about all the every-day small things we do.

As with every “method” of raising a child (and I’ve mentioned this before with regard to baby led weaning), I don’t like to follow it exactly by the books, but prefer to take the ideas and concepts I like and translate them into our own everyday life. I take what makes sense and works for us, but just because I like some of the ideas doesn’t mean I have to get rid of Sippy cups, plastic spoons, or our normal high chair (at least not yet). I’m sure there are other parenting books or methods that have a lot of the same things to offer that I believe in, and what I’m writing about here doesn’t necessarily have much to do with Montessori (I don’t know nearly enough about it to comment on that), it’s just me reflecting on the small things we do day by day hoping to raise Noah to be an independent little person.

Involving Noah in our Daily Activities

We engage Noah in our daily activities, treating him like a little person with responsibilities when he is clearly looking to be involved: he helps us clean up by putting away his toys and books; he helps us unload the dishwasher by putting away cutting boards and utensils; he helps us set the table; and he carries his dirty diapers to the trash can in the kitchen.

Noah loves being involved; he’s a toddler after all and his most favorite thing to do is to imitate what us grown-ups do. He takes pride in doing what we ask him to do and helping out, and it can be really helpful to give him something else to focus on when he’s trying to help by grabbing the sharpest knives out of the dishwasher.

This also gives him wonderful opportunities to see what happens when he intentionally does something he knows he is not allowed to do or chooses to ignore the task he’s been given. It’s so amusing to watch him throw a spoon or a dirty diaper on the floor, instead of putting it away, or not coming over when I ask him to so we can put shoes on, just to see how I react. I often have a very hard time staying serious and we end up laughing together because we both know it’s just an experiment. At the same time, I know he’s looking for a reaction from me, so I do make sure we end up putting the spoon in the drawer or throwing the diaper away. Other times I play my mom card which he doesn't like. His pouty face when he looks like he is about to cry is the cutest. Whether or not he completely understands, I explain what the issue was and help him to complete what he was supposed to do in the first place; then a hug and a kiss and we’re good. It will be interesting to see what else he is going to come up with to test boundaries. I’m ready for the challenge. I think.  

Walking in Public Places

This may sound so basic, but I think walking has a lot to do with how Noah sees the world and isn’t afraid of exploring new places. It may require some patience, but letting Noah walk whenever he wants to is important to me. When I pick him up from daycare, we walk out of his classroom together and to the car. He knows that he has to hold my hand when cars are around and doesn’t usually fight me on it. 

 

We do the same at the grocery store. We walk in together, holding hands. If he wants to ride in the cart or be carried, that’s fine with me, he enjoys that too. But if he wants to walk (or run) around and explore the place, he is allowed to. It gives him the opportunity to explore, see things, say hi to people, point out things to me, learn that he can’t touch things on the shelf, feel like a big boy when I hand him items to carry, and learn to pay attention to me and where I am. Not an easy thing to do in a big store. This may not always happen on a crowded Saturday morning, but when it’s not too busy, we slow down, and take our time. I believe he’s getting a different and more independent view of the world than if I always carried him around.
 

Freedom Around the House and Access to What he Needs

Stairs can be dangerous which is why probably every parenting book out there and our pediatrician insist that once little ones are able to move around, baby gates are a must. So we put one up for a while, but it didn’t last long. Now I’m glad we didn’t turn the stairs into a forbidden area, making it even more interesting for Noah to explore. Instead, we helped him learn how to get up and down the stairs safely. He figured it out quickly and has been allowed to go up and down the stairs on his own for a while. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do for every family or every child, but for Noah it was. Know your child and their abilities and go from there. At nine months, Noah had figured out on his own that the safest way to get down a small step was backwards, and he hasn’t tried anything dangerous since. Expect for one day where he got ahead of himself and going down the stairs backwards needed some reinforcement. Noah had just discovered that jumping from the changing table, a counter-top, or the top of the stairs into my arms was fun (can you blame him?). So it was in part due to my encouragement to let him jump into my arms from the top of the stairs to carry him downstairs that he decided to try walking down the stairs just like I do. Clearly not a good idea. So we sat down together, I practiced with him, he fought back, angry and frustrated, but it worked out. He didn’t like it that I made him go up and down the stairs a few times the right way (which I knew he had already mastered), but five minutes later, his confidence was back, and he hasn’t tried to “walk” down the stairs ever since.

Having access to everything around the house just meant we had to move some things up so he wouldn’t be able to reach them and child proof drawers and cabinets with cleaning supplies.

To make it easier for Noah to be more involved in the kitchen and around dinner time, I am planning to build him a toddler helper tower for Christmas. This will allow him to be able to climb up to our level and watch us prepare meals, or whatever we do. He’s just so curious what’s going on “up there” and we all know little ones learn by imitating what we do. What they can’t see, they can’t learn. Plus, I won’t have to deal with a little worm around my legs saying “up! up! up!”. At least that’s my hope. What I think would also be great is to have a kid-height counter space where he could “help”, but I think he would still be more interested in seeing what’s going on where he can’t see. And I can’t blame him for that.

Soon enough Noah will also be ready to say goodbye to his highchair and sit at the table with us, so I’ve been looking into chairs. We could just get a strap-on booster seat you stack on top of normal chairs. And while that’s a wonderfully inexpensive option, what I like about chairs like the Stokke Tripp Trapp or Keekaroo Height Right High Chair is not only that they look much nicer, but kids are able to climb off and on themselves. I’m aware this would require some effort in making sure he manages to do that safely and stays at the table until he’s finished eating, but I have a feeling he’d get a lot out of that little piece of independence (full disclosure, I grew up with the Tripp Trapp chair so I may be biased).   

Independent Play Toys

To encourage independent play, we have a limited number of toys and books in different places throughout the house, easily accessible for Noah. In his bedroom, we store his favorite board books and one wood puzzle at a time in a cubby storage shelf. I’m trying to keep his bedroom as toy-free as possible so it’s a calm and quiet place for him used mainly for sleeping. The rest of the toys are on a shelves and in boxed in the living room upstairs and the basement. All toys have their place and we try to encourage him to (help) clean up after himself when he’s done playing. For now he thinks that’s a game and has fun with it. By removing the toys he is not interested in anyway and displaying his favorites in an appealing way I hope he learns to value his toys and not to be overwhelmed by too many options and choices. All he cares about these days are books anyway, so this isn’t a difficult one for us. These are some of his toys he likes to play with (links are Amazon links).

 1. Wood Blocks 2. Duck Push Toy 3. Wood Farm Animal Puzzle 4. Cars 5. Stacking Train

Outside Play, Gardening

We try to go outside at least once a day if it's nice enough. He also gets lots of outside play time at daycare. By playing outside a lot we encourage Noah to explore his own environment independently and on his own terms. Whether it’s playing on the lawn, the playground, taking a walk down the road, looking at each and every flower we see, collecting treasures, or going to a pumpkin patch and just letting Noah roam around, he sets the pace. He knows I’m right there with him, ready to step in if a dangerous situation occurs, but is otherwise free to go on an adventure. 

I couldn’t do it without his "mud pants”. It took me a moment to learn not to step in if he started digging in dirt, getting muddy and wet, but it’s so worth it. There are also lots of opportunities outside for him to learn to help or to take responsibility. Of course it’s early for him now, but I believe that making it a habit early on will make it easier for him to for example take on responsibility in the garden and being in charge of watering plants, picking ripe strawberries, etc. We do it now by letting him hang out with us outside when we do yard work or having him help us pick up apples off our neighbor’s driveway. 

Communication

The way Tony and I speak to Noah is not something we consciously focus on too much (I think), but as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, we both speak to Noah in normal sentences, give clear commands that we know he can execute, and engage him as much as possible in tiny conversations. This doesn’t mean we don’t also use silly words, just imitate sounds, or play around. When I write this down, it always sounds like I’m always engaged in serious philosophical discussions with my toddler which is clearly not the case. I would say we’re aware of the things he is capable of (and enjoys doing) and we chose our language accordingly. That includes asking him to do specific tasks as well as teaching him to ask for the things he wants or needs. All of Noah’s bath toys are stored in a mesh bag on the wall. He can see them all, but needs my help to get them out of the bag. Sometimes, all he needs is water to have fun, but when he wants a toy, he stands up in front of the bag and either points to the one he wants or uses his words when he knows it (“a boat”), sometimes but not always accompanied by “bitte” or the sign for please. We do use it as an opportunity to use please and thank you, and he occasionally uses it in other situations, but the goal is to teach him how to ask for something without whining, crying, or yelling. Isn’t knowing what you want and being able to ask for it such a big part of being independent? 

While all of these things are important to me, it’s just as important that Noah takes the lead. I’m not pushing anything on him he’s not ready for (I hope!). He gets to be a baby when he needs or wants to be. He gets plenty of cuddle time and there aren’t consequences when he doesn’t make use of his freedom. All I’m trying to do is providing the environment that I think is best for him to thrive and grow in, but I leave it up to him how much he makes use of it. If he wants to be carried at the grocery store, I don’t make him walk. If he doesn’t feel like putting cutting boards away, he doesn’t have to. He still gets to come to bed to us in the morning when he needs to be close. A balance between the two makes it easy for all of us to follow his pace, dictating as little as possible, and going with what Noah is able and willing to do without creating a tiny monster that gets everything he asks for. At least that's the hope.