Sleep Training Update - We've Made Progress

It's already been a month since I wrote about our plan to work on Ava's sleep. I'm happy to share that we've been successful so far. Not everything is perfect (and I don't expect it to be for a long time), but we've made some real progress. The biggest surprise for me was that this completely changed nap time as well. I hadn't realized how much of an issue nap time was until she started sleeping two solid hours every day. 

Nap time and bed time are such a struggle for so many parents and there just isn't a one fit all solution out there. I like to remind myself that if there are millions of different books and websites available on a topic, it's okay for me to not have it all figured out perfectly. The difficult part is that while I'm sure there are some common themes as to why sleep is such an issue for so many families, every kid is different, and so the same approach doesn't work every time. At the beginning of my parenting journey, I was settled on certain ideas, I was in camps, like the no-cry-method camp, and the breastfed is best camp, and the no-sugar-ever-for-baby-camp. And then I got to know my kids, and learned that they're each different, and that as parents we need to adapt to circumstances and can't be stuck applying generalized parenting methods. I totally respect anyone who says they'll never let their kids cry to sleep. For me, I learned that it's okay for my family when I realized when Ava was still a baby, that she is a completely different crier at bedtime than Noah was. Noah would get hysterical and work himself up if we let him alone in his room crying. Ava's crying on the other hand has always been more of a whining and whimpering, and it doesn't increase. I still don't like hearing her cry, but it's her way of letting her emotions out. To be completely honest, I can relate, crying sometimes isn't such a bad thing and can feel good. Having said that, sometimes, she does scream and cries hysterical cries, and knowing the difference is the key. On nights when she works herself up and gets angry at us for putting her to sleep, there is often no good way of getting her to sleep except for removing her from the situation completely, for example by going outside, and starting the routine over once she is completely calm and doesn't feel tricked. So yes, we still have those kinds of nights. I think last night it took about an hour for her to go to sleep. But just now, we came home from the playground and lunch, I took her to her room, we read a couple of books, I said sleep well, and walked out. Within a minute or two she was out. This would never have happened a few weeks ago and it feels fantastic. We've had more good than bad nights and we are even at the point where we can make some changes to the routine and it still works. 

My long intro is to say - if you are looking for a perfect solution for your bedtime struggles, this is not it, by any means. It's what worked for us. I think the key to it is: do your research on what typically impacts good or bad sleep/bedtime habits; listen to your instincts and your kids to figure out what's at play and what may or may not work; decide on a plan, and stick to the basic concept, but don't be afraid to adjust if it's not working. These are your kids, they're not machines that can be programmed by following instructions in a book. That's why parenting is so hard. I know you know this. And what worked for one might not work for the other.

Okay, let's get to it. Here's what happened.

The routine we have decided on is: take a bath or wash hands/face, brush teeth, put on pajamas. Then play a bit in the living room which allows us to shorten or stretch the routine as needed. Sometimes it's two minutes, sometimes half an hour or more, and we've also skipped it completely when she has indicated she is ready for bed. If we have this time, it must be quiet and calm, and we're actively reading, playing, or picking up toys, not just hanging out. Then we grab her binky and bottle of water together (this is her heads up) and go to her room (which I've already darkened with blackout curtains; only her bed lamp is on). I put on her sleep sack (we use this in the winter and these in the summer), we snuggle in bed and read about three books which she gets to pick out. Before the last one I let her now that after this book, I'll shut lights off and it's time for her to sleep. After the last book, I shut of lights, tuck her in, remind her that she has her bottle and binky, give her a kiss, say good night, and walk out.

Night 1

(we just got back from a few days in Nebraska, and decided to jump into it right away, starting the first night after we got back, to avoid reinforcing old habits)
8:00 pm. To her room, 4 books and sleep sack.
8:15 pm. I walk out. She immediately follows me. I take her back to bed saying "it's bedtime, good night, love you" and walk right back out. We do this several times.
8:20 pm. She takes her sleep sack off, I put it back on. Again, she follows me. At some point, she stands in front of the baby monitor for a while and cries. I go in and lay her back down, we continue the same thing for a while.
8:29 pm. I giver her a different kind of pacifier, tell her good night, she lays down and is quiet.

I didn't expect this to go so quickly, I was prepared for at least two hours of battling. It was tough though because she wouldn't even stay in bed to calm down and got up immediately crying every time I walked out and stopped crying every time I opened the door again.

Nap 1

(I hadn't even thought about nap time training until it was nap time and had to make a decision on the spot. I decided to not confuse her with two different routines/different expectations depending on time of day, and followed the same routine as bedtime. Afterwards I read somewhere that it's a good idea to ensure nap happens during sleep training no matter what, to have well rested kids when it's time to go to bed at night. For us, nap during the day was always hit and miss, so even if I had laid down with her, there's a good chance she would have refused to nap.)

We put on her sleep sack, read three books, and turn lights off. I have the baby with me as well. I leave, she cries and gets up right away, I keep putting her back to bed. After a few times, I put Levi in the Ergo baby carrier to have both hands. The same continues, in and out, in and out, in and out, etc. I put Levi down in the bassinet sleeping. He ends up crying, but Tony comes home and takes care of him. 29 minutes into it she stays in bed for a few seconds before climbing out. I call it a win. 34 minutes: She stays in bed and cries softly, then falls asleep.

Pro tip: Keep many pacifiers with you in case your kid starts throwing them around angrily in the dark. Every time I walked out I'd quickly grab any that I could find on the floor.

Night 2

8:28 pm. Lights off. She comes out right away. I lay her back down. She takes her sleep sack off, I put them back on. She stays in bed, softly cries a bit, then calms down.
8:30 pm. It's quiet, but on the monitor I can see her eyes wide open.
8:34 pm. Eyes are closed and she's asleep. Wow!

Nap 2

2:18 pm. I walk out. She keeps following me out. I take her back three times. As I walk in, she stops crying and walks back to her bed on her own. As I lay her back down she says "no".
2:23 pm. She stays in her bed, twisting and turning, then talking, then crying.
2:30 pm. She comes back out and is angry, throws pacifiers at me. I stay until she is calm, then walk out. She gets up immediately and follows me. We do this a few times until 2:43 pm when she falls asleep.

The reason this took so long was because this was too late for her nap and she was too tired.

Night 3

8:30 pm. We read three books and put her sleepsack on.
8:42 pm. I walk out. She follows immediately, I send her back in, and she is quiet.
8:44 pm. She's asleep.

Nap 3

At daycare.

Night 4

8:11 pm. Lights are off. She keeps following me out until 8:20 pm when I think she's about to fall asleep.
8:29 pm. She walks out again. She took her jammies off, I put them back on, she doesn't protest and lays back down.
8:37 pm. She's asleep.

Nap 4

Over the course of 37 minutes, I take her back to her room 54 times until she is asleep at 12:45 pm.

Pro tip: keep telling yourself this is a game and you can win it. Counting helps to keep track
and feel good about wins (or laugh about numbers like 54). It keeps your mind occupied and helps to stay calm and not get too frustrated.

Night 5

8:10 pm. Lights off. She takes her jammies off and walks right back out of her room. I put them back on and put her back in bed. Repeat. She doesn't complain when I put her jammies back on and clearly does it so I stay in the room with her. I am boring and don't say a word. After she's taken them off for the fourth time, I don't put them back on to show her I make the rules and I'm not playing her games. She doesn't like it and whines for a bit, but stays in her bed for a bit. It's 8:17 pm. At 8:21 pm I hear her talking ("Mama! Mama?"). At 8:25 pm she is asleep.

Pro tip: this is a good example for changing things up on the go if necessary. For the next few days I asked her before shutting lights off if she wanted her sleep sack on and she has been saying no and wanting the blanket instead which she used to refuse. There's no harm done by changing this part of the routine.

I only kept detailed track of the first five nights. By that time, things weren't perfect, but I felt like the routine was clear and established for her. She might not like it, but she knew what to expect. At that point I felt comfortable switching with Tony and he took her to bed following the exact same steps. Over the following weeks I realized at some point that her bed time at around 8 pm was too late for her and that 7 pm was actually her sweet spot. That's something I would have never noticed if it wasn't for this sleep training. 

Progress towards our goals

Overall I feel really good about the progress we have made towards our goals. As I mentioned at the beginning, I'm extremely happy about the added bonus of stress free nap time which I hadn't even considered addressing at first. 

1. Bedtime should be positive relaxing family time for everyone.

Accomplished! Bedtime is no longer a stressful time at our house. It always felt like we had to be quick and do exactly the right thing at exactly the right time or we would struggle for hours. Now she goes to bed at around 7 pm which gives Tony and I lots of time to ourselves before we go to bed, and taking her to bed doesn't take longer than 15-20 minutes. I enjoy reading books with her and she loves it too. 

2. Ava should be able to fall asleep on her own. 

Done! It may take her a bit longer on some days, but she no longer needs us to stay in the room with her. 

3. A combined bedtime routine for Noah and Ava. 

We are picking Noah up this weekend, so next week we will see how it goes. I am keeping an open mind and if he is not ready for bed at 7 pm I would be okay with him staying up a bit longer. 

4. Flexibility

I feel good about this one too. It's not always the exact same time, sometimes we put on jammies, other times we go to bed in our play clothes, some days Levi is in the room with us, on others he is not, etc. We always read books and she always has her pacifier and water, but besides that we've been able to switch things up as needed.