It isn't that bedtime is terrible for us or that we have major struggles in the middle of the night, but bedtime hasn't been relaxing and fun lately. So when it became clear that Noah would be spending part of the summer in Nebraska on his grandparents' farm, we decided it's the perfect opportunity to work with Ava on her sleeping. While it's probably time to start working on good sleeping habits with Levi, we haven't made that a priority yet, so I'll focus on Noah and Ava in this post.
This isn't the first time we're tackling sleep; here are two previous posts if you want to catch up:
Our goals
Our main goal is for bedtime to be positive relaxing family time for everyone instead of what feels like a daily battle. Especially for working parents, this can be such a tough time. You've worked all day, and now that you finally get to spend some time with your kids, instead of everyone enjoying each other's company, you're dealing with tears and power battles. At one point, we managed to have a really positive bedtime routine with Noah, and that's what I want to get back to.
We want Ava to be able to go to sleep on her own. She can keep pacifier and water bottle for now, but I want us to be able to walk out of her room without having to wait for her to completely fall asleep.
My other goal is for Noah and Ava to share their bedtime routine. I want us to read books together in their room and say goodnight to both at the same time. This would shorten the overall routine, allow Noah to go to bed a bit earlier, and maybe most importantly, one of us could do it by ourselves.
Finally, I want flexibility. I don't want the routine to be too involved. I want to be able to skip a bath or play some more after they're cleaned up if we feel like it without compromising the bedtime routine.
Our current bedtime routine
We don't have an exact time the kids go to bed, but lately we start putting Ava to bed at around 8pm. After dinner we either go straight to the bathtub, or when it's nice outside, we spend some time outside before taking baths. Both kids take a bath together and we brush teeth. We then put pajamas on in the kids' room, which they share. Often, Ava is already too tired at this point and we have to act quickly to make sure she goes to bed right away and the evening doesn't turn into a disaster with lots of tears where she refuses to go to sleep. So we give Noah his pajamas to put on in the living room which disrupts the whole calm routine that this once was, especially when he would rather hang out in their room and doesn't want to listen. One of us then reads a few books to Ava with the lights dimmed, then turns of lights completely before laying down next to her until she is asleep, which takes about 30 minutes on a good night and is super exhausting.
Lately, this has been Tony's role in case Levi is hungry during that time and I need to feed him. Most nights are OK, but often she refuses to go to sleep and tries to get out of bed several times. Those nights end in tears and the only way to calm her down in that case is a change of scenery, which means coming back out into the living room to reset. Noah, who is often already sleepy at this time and wants to go to bed has to wait until Ava is asleep before he's allowed in their room. So we read books or play quiet games or just talk in the living room until Tony gives us the green light. I then walk Noah to his bed, tuck him in, and say good night. Most nights, he goes to sleep without protest, but sometimes he comes out of his room several times wanting water, or having one last question.
Lately, this has been Tony's role in case Levi is hungry during that time and I need to feed him. Most nights are OK, but often she refuses to go to sleep and tries to get out of bed several times. Those nights end in tears and the only way to calm her down in that case is a change of scenery, which means coming back out into the living room to reset. Noah, who is often already sleepy at this time and wants to go to bed has to wait until Ava is asleep before he's allowed in their room. So we read books or play quiet games or just talk in the living room until Tony gives us the green light. I then walk Noah to his bed, tuck him in, and say good night. Most nights, he goes to sleep without protest, but sometimes he comes out of his room several times wanting water, or having one last question.
It doesn't sound all that terrible, but none of us enjoy this time of the day and I would love for that to change.
Hiring a Sleep Trainer?
Almost four years into parenting and therefore sleep issues, I have done a fair amount of internet research on the topic and have a good overview of the different sleep training strategies. I've successfully gone through sleep training with Noah and if we weren't able to keep up with the good sleep, it was really because we didn't make sleep a priority. As I was still debating the right timing and strategy, a sleep trainer held a live chat on a local moms Facebook group, and I decided to ask her some questions. My main question was: Do I sleep train Ava while Noah is away in Nebraska only to have her routine be interrupted again when he comes back, or do I wait until he is back to do it all in one? In her response she asked if we could chat on the phone for 15 minutes because she wanted to understand the details of my situation a bit better. I had nothing to lose and at this point was considering hiring someone to help if we weren't able to figure it out on our own, so this was a good opportunity to get to know her. We had a good conversation and she gave me some basic tips. She also made some reassuring comments: We aren't fighting the same battles at night, and while it's not exactly a pleasant time of the day, it's really not that bad. She also said it was positive that we hadn't tried a bunch of different things yet as this can make it harder for kids to trust the new routine. To address my main question, she said she actually often separates siblings during sleep training and once the new bedtime is established, she then moves siblings back together into their room. That sealed the deal for me - I would start sleep training Ava while Noah is in Nebraska. We chatted a bit about what hiring a sleep trainer looks like and though I found it really interesting, I decided to give it a try myself first and only if I didn't get anywhere I would consider hiring her.
Our strategy
My strategy is relatively simple: decide on a routine and stick to it, the routine being more important than the specific time. Crying is okay as long as it's not hysterical to the point where she is unable to calm herself down. Tony and I need to agree on the plan and I will be in charge of executing it while he takes care of Levi. I'll apply what I've learned in the past: when she comes out of her room, I will be as boring as possible, yet loving and calm; repeat the same statement (it's time to go to bed, good night, I love you) and walk out. I will not give up even when it takes a long time initially, but I am open to adjusting my approach if it doesn't work for her or for me. I've decided not to gradually move away from her (first, out of her bed, not touching her, then to the middle of the room, then to the door, etc. until eventually out of her room). I tried this with Noah, and the last step of actually walking out was still so significantly different from being in the room with him that it wasn't simply the next step after we'd made progress; instead, it felt like starting all over again. So this time, I have decided I will say good night and walk out. I'll have the baby monitor in the bathroom which is across the hallway from her room and will watch her from there. I will have my phone with me as a distraction if necessary.
In the next post, I'll share more details on our routine and an update on the progress we're making towards our goals. We're three nights and two naps into it and so far it's looking promising. Stay tuned.
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