I let things get to me sometimes. And then I find it hard to control my emotions. Kids push buttons, we all know that. And most of the time I think I do a pretty good job preventing things from escalating by anticipating their needs. But that doesn't always work of course. Noah has days like today where he WILL NOT LISTEN. It doesn't matter what I do - strict consequences, patiently repeating myself, positive reinforcement. He just zones out and doesn't cooperate. Ava gets easily frustrated when she feels like she can't communicate what she wants and doesn't always get the difference between "I don't know what you want" and "I know what you want but you can't have it".
When all of that comes together during times where I am trying to accomplish something (getting ready to leave the house, nap time, or getting dinner prepped), things can get ugly in this house. I'm not proud to admit that I loose it pretty quickly sometimes. I snap, I yell, I slam doors. And once that cycle has kicked off, it's so hard for me to snap back out of it.
I've had days where I let some small thing in the morning get to me and I can't help but be in a funky mood all day. It's so emotionally draining. I've wondered why I can't keep my cool sometimes. Maybe it's a sense of perfectionism and I have feelings of failure when I can't keep my kids under control. Maybe it's a form of anxiety which can manifest itself as rage. Maybe I just described the same thing in two different ways. I have always assumed these quirks, these oddities that come and go in phases, are triggered by specific events, and aren't noticeable to those who aren't very close to me, are character traits. It's been a few years since I've thought about whether or not I have or used to have depression. Then I came across the above article linking anxiety and rage, and I am wondering again. Either way, whatever the cause, getting angry and frustrated with my kids isn't helping anyone. Yelling at them might get their attention, but it never solves the problem. It most definitely doesn't make me feel better, quite the opposite in fact. And most importantly, it's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids. So I'm working on it.
Physical outlet. Having a physical outlet is the one thing that I wish I had available more often. When all of these feelings of anger bubble up, I want to go for a run, or punch a punching bag. I feel it simmering under the surface to the point where I just want to scream. When possible, this is when I walk away from the situation and get some fresh air. After a long day of holding it all in, going for a run helps me relax.
Snap out of it. This one is so hard for me sometimes. Once I'm in a certain mood and the kids have pushed all of my buttons, it is so hard for me to just snap out of it and start fresh, but I've been recently making a conscious effort and it's been so helpful. Kids don't hold grudges, so with them it's actually fairly easy to do when I set my mind to it. A change in scenery usually helps us all to start fresh. I'm getting so much better at this. This blog post has some good basic tips (in addition to the fact that it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way).
Fake it till you make it. This was my strategy for today and it worked surprisingly well. I decided that if nap time would turn into a battle, instead of getting upset, I would put on a fake smile and encourage them to go to sleep in the most positive way. While I have to admit that not all kids ended up taking a nap, my strategy for staying calm worked extremely well. I almost had to laugh at myself a few times because it felt a bit ridiculous, but I didn't get angry at them, so I'm calling it a win.
Take a break. Sometimes I just need to take a break. With three kids 4 and under, that isn't always possible, but most of the time, it's enough if I send them downstairs to play for a while, or I walk onto the deck for a few minutes, breathing some fresh air. If necessary, I will let them watch a bit of TV so I can zone out for a while. If I can't take a break by myself, we get in the car, turn up the music, stop by Starbucks, and go to the playground where I can let them run around while I sit on the sidelines and relax.
Cut myself some slack. The guilt is no joke, but I try to overall cut me some slack. This parenting thing is hard, and I need to remind myself that most of the time, I do a pretty good job. Yes, I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes, but those moments don't define my or my kids' day or our relationship. I am not constantly yelling and I'm not angry at them every day. I'm aware though, and I'm finding ways to stay calm. I'm okay.
Day by day. We have long stretches of great days where things go really smoothly and we all enjoy spending time together. So I must assume that each stressful day that includes yelling is nothing but a bad day, and tomorrow we can go back to normal. And usually that's the case. Days like today are outliers, not the norm. Tomorrow is a new day and we will start fresh, no grudges, no expectations.
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