The internet is full of stories about the terrible twos, tantrums, and toddler meltdowns. Thankfully, we have had to deal with them on a handful of occasions so far, but the topic is fascinating to me and I love reading about how other parents deal with it. The fact alone that there are so many different strategies out there makes it clear: there is no one-fit-all solution. Different things work for different children and families. Not exactly surprising I'd say - while yes, all toddlers go through roughly the same developmental phases, each with their own challenges, they are also little people with big personalities and respond differently to various strategies. In this post I want to share some of the things that we do to avoid tantrums from happening in the first place and how frustrating it can be when a two year old is stuck in a meltdown and nothing seems to be able to calm him down.
Avoiding Tantrums
Even before we officially be entered the “terrible twos” at the end of July, I had been doing a lot of reading online about how parents deal with toddler tantrums. The main things I took away from it and what I'm trying to remember are:
Avoid Tantrums by Avoiding Triggers
First, try to avoid tantrums from happening in the first place by avoiding triggers. It may sound simple, but I've come to realize how important it is. Know your child and what he or she can handle. Hungry? Tired? Overwhelmed with too many new people? Bored being stuck inside all morning? I try to be sensitive to Noah's feelings and needs and act before he gets so frustrated that little things that don't go his way set off a huge tantrum. It's often as simple as giving him a snack after we get home from daycare even though dinner is about to be ready, or turning on some music in his room where he can wind down after being out and about all day. To me, this one just makes so much sense. I mean, even for us grown ups, aren't we quicker to snap when we're hungry/stressed/overwhelmed? Yes, we've learned to deal with it and keep our emotions in check, but we all know life is easier when we're in our calm, positive, happy place. Toddlers just need a bit more help from us providing the environment in which they can be relaxed.
Staying Calm
When a tantrum does happen, I try to be aware of the fact that Noah isn't doing it to push our buttons or because he has so much fun with it. His brain just isn't developed to deal with all these overpowering emotions yet. Reminding me of that fact makes it easier for me not to get frustrated or angry with him - as annoying as it can be, it's not his fault and he's not doing it on purpose. For that same reason I don't think discipline/punishment like time outs are the right way to deal with it. He's already confused and can't control his emotions, a time out or other punishment wouldn't teach him how to deal with his emotions but rather invalidate them or even label them as something negative. Anyway, my point is that by reminding myself that he's not acting like this on purpose, but that he just can't control his emotions, it's so much easier for me to deal with it in a calm way and not making it worse by letting my own emotions and frustrations get in the way.
I should note, there are other occasions where he is indeed acting up on purpose, for example to test my boundaries. I deal with those situations completely different. The key is knowing whether or not they're able to control their emotions/behavior in the moment.
What to do when a tantrum is about to happen
When I was reading up on strategies how to deal with tantrums, one that stood out to me in particular was one described here. I haven’t read the book that's being discussed, but the author of the blog post based his recommended strategy on what he had learned reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (http://amzn.to/1FU1Ipp).
The very next day after having finished the book, the author got the chance to try it out when his son really wanted a cupcake at the grocery store and he walks the reader through their conversation. I had a very similar experience: I had read his blog post on the bus on my way home from work and also got the chance to test it out that very same afternoon when Noah and I were at Target, ready to check out, when he noticed delicious looking red and blue 4th of July cookies right next to the check out counter and decided he needed them.
This is the process which was suggested in the blog post:
1. Listen with full attention
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word
3. Give their feelings a name
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy
Thankfully the blogger’s experience with his son and the cupcake was so similar to mine that I was able to basically just copy their conversation. I didn’t remember all the details and forgot some of the steps, but essentially, here’s about how the conversation went:
Noah: "Mommy, I want cookies!?" (grabbing them off the shelf)
Me: (somewhat ignoring his request, taking them out of his hand, putting them back on the shelf) "Come on let's check out and go home."
Noah: "I WANT COOKIEEEES" (throwing himself on the floor, starting to cry)
I would have normally continued to say something along the lines of: we don't need cookies, no you don't want cookies, we're about to eat dinner at home, let's go, etc. but decided to try what I had just read.
Me: "You want those cookies?" (listening with full attention, step 1)
Me: "Oh I know. You want to eat these cookies. (acknowledging his feelings with a word, step 2). I understand. I do too, they look yummy"
Me: "Yes, you want cookies. How frustrating (giving his feelings a name, step 3) when you really want something but you can't have it, isn't it?" (picking him up off the floor)
Me: "If we bought those cookies, would you want a red one or a blue one?" (giving him his wish in fantasy, step 4).
Noah: (distracted, thinks) "red!"
Me: "and how many would you want to eat?" (starting to walk over to the next check out line that doesn't have stupid cookies on display)
Me: "Are you sure? How about five? or maybe ten?"
Me: "OK, now should we go home and see what daddy is up to?" (checking out)
I was so astonished! Even though I could have handled it even better I think, I was so surprised that it actually worked. I've been using the basic idea behind this strategy ever since and it works wonders. The key is again, to not even let a situation escalate to a full blown tantrum where the child is so emotional that there isn't much that can be done, but to help them deal with the initial frustration of not getting what they want. Often, I don't even have to use all the steps and it's enough to just acknowledge his feeling, repeat back to him what he wants, and move on. Step 4, give them their wishes in fantasy, has always sounded a bit awkward, and for me it's usually enough if after acknowledging his feelings and giving it a name (I'm pretty sure I always call it frustration, ha) I just change the topic to something else.
It's now just part of how I communicate with Noah and it flows much better in a conversation; it no longer feels like a method I'm using. I think a lot of frustration really came from feeling misunderstood or ignored and I honestly can't remember the last time I had to deal with an angry two year old screaming and yelling face down on the ground.
Either you can do it or I will
The other day I had the chance to observe another interesting strategy Noah's teacher at daycare used when he refused to put his book on the bookshelf after I had already asked him a couple of times. She simply said: "either you can put the book on the book shelf or I can take it from you and put it there." I was so surprised when he smiled and said: "OK, I can do it!" and put it away. I like this so much better than the similar "if then" warning where you have to come up with a consequence that is both relevant to the issue at hand and the child cares enough about to take your warning seriously. The risk for it to backfire is just too big for me that I haven't used it much. Also, phrasing it as an option gives children a way out. It comes across less of an attempt to control what is happening, if necessary by threatening with consequences, that can just too easily result in a power struggle. I've now been using this a few times at home too and was surprised how well it works. Noah does have his moments where he tests our boundaries and just wants to see what happens if he refuses to do things I've asked him to do, but generally, he gets a kick out of making us happy and being "a good helper". So when I asked him to follow me to the bathroom so he could take a shower a few days ago, and he hid behind a chair, just smiling at me, refusing to move, I clearly said: "You can either come with me and go take a shower, or I will come get you and carry you over there." Immediately, with a big smile on his face, he proudly and loudly proclaimed: "I'm coming mom! I'm going to the bathroom! We're taking a shower!". So awesome.
Toddler Meltdowns
I have no idea if I'm using the terminology correctly, but another phenomenon we've had to deal with lately, that I haven't yet mastered, are emotional meltdowns. These are not situations where Noah decides he wants something that he can't have, but he's just so overloaded with emotions that he doesn't know what he wants anymore and is so upset that he starts crying uncontrollably. For example, the other day Tony was working late and I made dinner for Noah and I. And not just any dinner, but in fact we had a healthy mix of his favorite things. When we sat down to eat, he decided he didn't want any of it, pushed away his plate, and started crying. I tried talking him through it, getting him to try some of what I had on my plate, ignoring him, hugging him, etc. I was so tired after a long day at work and didn't have much energy to deal with it, and that may have actually been a good thing. I didn't try too hard to get him to snap out of it. For the most part, I ate my dinner, and talked to him, letting him know that I was there and that I was sorry he was upset. He didn't really want me to hold him, so I just rubbed his back occasionally, but otherwise let him cry. That went on for about 45 minutes when all of the sudden, he decided to take a bite out of his ear of corn, loved it (no surprise there), stopped crying, and ate. We sat at the table together for another hour or so, barely talking, while he finished his plate and had seconds.
The same thing happened a couple of days later when Tony was at home as well. He's often able to calm Noah down or distract him more quickly, but even that didn't work. Again, we just sat there, waited it out, tried a few different things, but the usual tricks just didn't work. Half an hour later, he was done crying, asked to sit on Tony's lap, and finished his meal.
I feel so bad for him when this happens and need to pay more attention to what may be triggering these meltdowns; they seem to be coming out of nowhere. For now, if this happens again, I'm going to stick with what we've been doing: lots of patience, letting him know we're there for him, and the occasional hug when he's OK with it. It seems to be all we can do, even though it's so sad to watch. If anyone has a better idea on how to handle it, I'd love to hear it!
The Power of the Cuddle
The reason I'm bringing up the power of the cuddle here is because the more physical touch Noah gets, the happier is and therefore tantrums or meltdowns are much less likely to occur. He has always been a cuddly child, he loves to lay in bed and snuggle in the mornings, often asks to be held and carried, and he needs one of us to lay down in bed with him and cuddle every night until he falls asleep. At two years old, he still wakes up a few times a night - and what he needs is for one of us to come lay down with him.
As often as I've considered sleep training and slowly working towards him being able to fall back asleep on his own, I've always felt that "if that's what he needs he can have it until he longer needs it" and have recently more and more realized how important physical touch is for him. For example, when he has a good night, i.e. doesn't wake up at all or just once, and doesn't climb in bed with us in the mornings, he typically has bad mornings - as if he needs to make up for the missed cuddling opportunities at night. He wakes up unhappy, wants to be held, sit on our laps while eating breakfast, and sometimes doesn't even want to be dropped off at daycare.
I was so amazed when I finally realized the connection. Also, it makes it so much easier to deal with getting up multiple times at night, knowing that it's really something that he still seems to need and is not just a bad habit. So - while he has always received lots of physical touch (I'm the same way so it's easy for me), whether by cuddling, being carried or tickled, or by playing rough with Tony, I've been so much more aware of it lately and don't brush his needs off for laziness or crankiness, but just something that his little body/heart/mind/soul needs to feel safe and loved. Like the other day when he didn't want to be dropped off at daycare. Instead of playing some trick game and getting a teacher to help out to distract him with fun toys, I just stood there and held him for ten minutes. I wasn't in a rush, it was exactly what he needed, and I was able to leave without there being any drama or tears.
What are your tricks to avoid tantrums?
