Besides my "a day in our life" story I haven't really talked about what it's like to be a family of four. In part, because there are so many different aspects to it and I wasn't quite sure where to start. So I'll break it up in pieces and start with the brother/sister relationship, how Noah has reacted to becoming a big brother, and what we're doing to prevent conflicts.
First off, Noah loves being a big brother. He is so proud when Ava and I pick him up from daycare and he can tell all the other kids (who are always so excited to see baby Ava) that she is his little sister. Even though they already know that; he has told them what feels like a million times.
In the mornings Ava usually wakes up while or after Noah and I eat breakfast. We'll hear her "talk" in our bedroom and every single day, Noah drops what he's doing, looks at me and says with a big smile on his face: "Ava is awake! Shall we go get her?" So we hop in bed with her and the three of us cuddle a bit. Those are by far my favorite moments. There's never any jealousy involved, we just hang out and talk and snuggle. Earlier this week, Noah laid down next to her, took her hand and asked me: "Do you want to take a picture?" So I grab my phone and he says to Ava: "Can you say cheese? No, not at me! At mommy!" The picture didn't turn out very well but it was such a precious moment.
It hasn't always been this peaceful though. The first few days after we brought her home, there was just more tension in the house. I wouldn't say he was jealous or had any negative emotions toward his new baby sister; it was just that he knew everything had just changed and there was a new dynamic in the house. So for a few days he was emotional, quick to throw a mini tantrum or cry, eager to test boundaries, and very clingy. We of course had expected some of this and decided while I would take care of Ava, Tony would be 100% there for Noah. That worked well. Noah has always been a daddy's boy and while he didn't mind so much when I held her, whenever Tony had her, he immediately wanted up as well. We just let that happen and gave him whatever he needed to feel reassured that he was still loved just as much. When my mom came to visit when Ava was just ten days old, it was clear just from the look on Noah's face, that he did not want my mom to hold her. So she waited a bit, paid attention to him, looked at books she had brought for him, and then held Ava only after it was settled that she was here to see Noah (too). Moments like this I think were so important for him, just to know that the grown ups in his life hadn't abandoned him.
I had also got Noah a book "from Ava" about the life of a sea otter which I thought would be great to use to talk about babies needing their mommies, but Noah wanted nothing to do with it. And if you know Noah you know that's a big deal - he has never said no to a book. I wasn't going to force anything on him though, so I let it go. I didn't want it to seem like I was putting pressure on him to be excited about his new baby sister.
I'm not sure anymore how long it took, but I don't think it was more than a week or two before things settled down and there really haven't been any difficult moments since.
Here are some things that I had read about while I was still pregnant that we have used in an effort to prevent conflict:
Stick with big brother's normal routine as much as possible. Noah still went to daycare for the first two months after Ava was born (except for when family was visiting). The concern was that he would feel like we're sending him off to daycare while we hang out with the new baby, but I think it was actually really good for him to know that not everything had suddenly changed. He had fun at school during the day and we could tackle evenings as a team. Even though I recovered super quickly, it would have still required a lot of energy to keep everyone happy and I was glad to have those days to just focus on the baby. It was difficult to maintain our routine of having dinner together every evening with a new baby who was not yet on a schedule and likely to be hungry two minutes into our meal, but I would just feed her at the dinner table so Noah wouldn't think it would be okay to get up and run around. It wasn't ideal, but it worked, and now, almost four months later, this isn't an issue anymore.
Involve him, but don't treat him just as the big brother. This resonated with me when I read this on a blog somewhere so I've been really careful to treat Noah as his own person, and not have his identity be independent on him being a good big brother. For example, it's his job to throw away his own diaper after a diaper change, but I don't make him throw away Ava's ("come on, be a good big brother and throw away her diaper"). However, I'll ask him sometimes if he'd do me the favor and he usually will, but I don't want him to feel like he has to do things for her. Similarly, I don't connect his misbehavior with his role as being a big brother. For example, I would never say: "be a good big brother and throw away your (own) diaper". One thing clearly has nothing to do with the other. I just don't want him to feel like being a big brother might not be fun and then potentially let it out on baby sister. This doesn't mean I don't ever comment on him being a good big brother when appropriate, for example when he's being extra sweet to his baby sister by kissing her or letting me know when she's crying.
At the same time, I've always involved him in and talked to him about feeding Ava, why she cries, picking out outfits, and changing her. He's old enough to understand most of these things and can be reasoned with. But even if he was younger I think just the fact that he gets the feeling that I'm completely open and honest with him and don't try to exclude him in any way is extremely important for him.
Take care of the older child first. I think this is such a good rule. When both children are upset, take care of the older one first. The baby won't remember that she had to wait five minutes to get her diaper changed, but big brother will if he always comes second and has to wait. At the same time, often Ava's crying will upset Noah too much for him to settle down himself, so my only option is to get her to stop crying first and then to tend to his needs. I also like to use this little trick: I'll tell Ava (loud and clear so that Noah can hear) that she needs to wait (whether or not she is upset) because I'm taking care of Noah (for example: "I know, Ava, you're hungry, but earlier, when you needed your diaper changed, Noah had to wait. Now it's Noah's turn. When I'm done getting him dressed I'll feed you").
Make time for one on one time. While it may be hard especially in the beginning, Tony and I both try to spend some quality alone time with Noah. It can be as simple as playing a game or puzzle while Ava is sleeping or going to the grocery store. One of my favorite things to do was to take Noah out to dinner while Ava and Tony stayed home. He felt like such a big boy and had the most serious conversation with me it made me laugh, and it was great for me to get out of the house and away from the baby who was otherwise attached to my body all day and night.
Who knows if any of these things really helped or if Noah would have just adjusted so well to being a big brother regardless. I think as always, it's important to know your child, and to keep an open mind. One of the other things that has always been on my mind is my mom saying: don't be so afraid of this sibling rivalry that you're creating an issue where there normally wouldn't be one. And maybe that's true. For the most part we've treated this whole transition as a very exciting but normal thing and adjusting along the way. And then when Noah randomly exclaims "I love Ava!" and gives her a kiss, I'm glad to know it seems to all have worked out pretty well so far.
